Two kids and a dog

Motherhood, the hardest job you'll ever love. Or so the saying goes. Not that I disagree for certainly it is a very hard job and I do love it, but it seems so silly to try to encapsulate motherhood in one throw away sentance. Why did I become a mother? Now there's a question. It seems like I always felt like that's what I would be. Never did I really question whether I would have children. Okay, to be honest, back when I wanted to be a minister I wasn't sure how I would ever fit kids into my life. The job just seemed so all consuming. Sure men could become ministers and have children, but they had wives that did all the dirty work for them. How is it that women have come so far in society that we can be insanely successful in our professional lives and yet we're still expected to be the perfect wife and mother? Every woman that I know, even those with successful careers, still have to worry about the bulk of childcare and child related issues. Some men are enlightened enough to help out, but it is a very rare man indeed who will take on the burden as much as the mother of his children does.

I stay at home which means two things: I don't have to feel so incredibly guilty about leaving someone else to raise my children, which is a good thing, and that I am responsible for almost everything that happens that relates to the kids, which is not so good. Surely the kids are my job. I mean what else do I stay home for? (Don't tell DH I just really don't like working 9 to 5.) But of course I would take on much more of the burden of dealing with the children than DH does. Add to that fact that he's a successful up and coming young professor who is a perfectionist and a workaholic and there isn't much time in DH's schedule for me or the kids. But what truly drives me nuts is that I NEVER get a break from the kids. Up at night, I'm there. Medical and school related things, that's me. Get out and put away their clothes, I'm it. Feed them, me again. Take them out, I'm on it. Intellectually stimulate them, me too. I am on call 24 hours a day. I watch them by myself for at least 10 hours a day every weekday and another 4-8 hours on the weekend. When Dh goes away on a conferece or to teach a class, which happened every other month this past year, I am the one who picks up the slack. And not to rip on working moms at all because I think that everyone must make up their own path, but at least they get a lunch break where there are no dirty diapers to change, no one screaming for juice or snack, or climbling on your lap because you had the insane idea of trying to read the newspaper while eating. And occasionally when working you have adult conversation. I've often thought of going back to work just for these very benefits. But here's the thing, nothing else would change. Everything to do with the kids would still fall on me. I would just get to drop them in a daycare or at the babysitter for a few hours.

Do I sound a little whiny? Yeah, I guess so. I did choose to have children. And it's not just that I chose to have children. I had to actively work for them. Infertility, the most horrible emotional turbulence that will ever cost you several thousand dollars. My son Q is an IVF baby which means that for I think 17 days I gave myself a shot in the thigh or arm and then went through various other dignity destroying procedures just to get pregnant. So I asked for it. But there are times when I wish I was free to do as I pleased, shop on my own, talk for hours at a coffee shop, go see a movie, or follow DH to all the cool places he gets to go.

Are there rewards top having kids then? Hell yes. No one looks at me like my kids do. I am the sun and the moon and the stars to them. I know one day they'll hate me as all teenagers hate their moms but today I am a god. They always want to be with me. Who else wants to be around you 24 hours a day? Who else thinks you're that interesting and fun? I get to kiss their hurts and it actually makes them feel better. Very powerful. I get to watch them become real people. I get to watch them become the increible beings they will be. And I know that is what my focus should be. My kids are real people. And one day they will grow up and do their own thing and perhaps my daughter will repeat the very same complaints that I have. But I am only here to watch out for them as they grow and help them become the best people they can be. I only get to hold their little hands as long as they let me. So it is again I realize that I need to stay in the moment, stop looking for the next big thing, and enjoy what I have NOW. Later I will be able to do all the things I want when I am no longer the sun and the moon, when they don't want to see my face, when their friends are all much more interesting than I am. "Patience, patience" Yoda counsels Luke Skywalker. Ah, Master Yoda, I am still learning. Teach me more.