Looking for a "real job"

As a liberal Democrat it isn't very hard to imagine who I plan to vote for today. So it was with some annoyance that I read about Teresa Heinz Kerry apologizing for saying she wasn't sure that Laura Bush has ever held a "real job." Kerry said that she forgot that Bush had worked as a teacher for ten years before she had children. Probably the most disturbing part of this article was that I actually agreed with Karen Hughes when she said, "I think it's very nice that she apologized, but in some ways the apology almost made the comment worse because she seems to have forgotten that being a mother is a real job." It concerns me greatly when I actually agree with the former advisor to the worst President I've certainly ever experienced in my lifetime. I think I know where Teresa Heinz Kerry was going with her comments, even though she was technically wrong. And I also know that Kerry was a stay at home mom when her children were little and only took on a "real job" after her first husband died. So obviously she knows the value of motherhood and the choices some of us make to stay home with our children. But what she said made it look like she doesn't, and adds fuel to the fire of the at home moms vs. the working moms debate.

Then I was reading my local community paper this week and it seemed I could not get away from this mom vs. mom thing. A columnist, Jen Chaney, was extolling the virtues of my new favorite show Desperate Housewives . She was comparing it to HBO's "Sex and the City" in terms of a great new female foursome. While I agree with most of what she said, ( I must admit here that I did not watch a whole lot of Sex and the City as we don't get HBO but I did see enough to understand where this columnist was coming from.) I was taken aback by her characterization of the women on Desperate Housewives. She writes, "Of course to some, 'Housewives' may not seem like the sort of show women should be championing. After all, none of the main characters work..." Okay, no they don't, outside the home at least. But three of the four have children that they are presumably staying home to take care of. Chaney goes on to say, "I think 'Housewives' tweaks the notion of traditional women's roles. Even its title is tongue in cheek. I mean, who uses the term 'housewife' anymore? Most people refer to non-working women as 'stay-at-home moms.'" Really?! Obviously she's never read this blog, but more importantly now I'm a non-working woman. I didn't know that. I didn't realize that I didn't really work. What do I do all day then exactly? It is correct to say that I don't work outside the home and that I don't bring home a paycheck but it is wholly unfair to say that I, or any other stay at home mom (housewife), doesn't work.

Chaney herself is touted as a young columnist, at least Gen X if not Gen Y, and it is fairly clear that she is not a mother. This makes me furious. If you're not a mom you don't get to judge mothers for what they do or don't do. Don't get me wrong, I do not think that all women should be mothers or that the highest aspiration for women is motherhood. In fact if you're a woman and you know yourself enough to know that you shouldn't be a mother I applaud you. There are many people out there that shouldn't be having children or at least should really think about it long and hard before they have unprotected sex. Being a mom is far from easy and takes a lot of sacrifice, time and energy, patience and love. There are many jobs that I am not cut out for and would never try to get into. It doesn't make me less of a person to say that I am not cut out to be a journalist or lawyer. Why should it make a woman feel like less of a person to say she's not cut out to be a mom? And even fewer people are cut out to be a stay at home mom. This is far from an easy job and I would challenge anyone who thinks it is to change places with an at home mom for a day. I guarantee you that at the end of the day you would think very differently.

I do believe that someone, mom or dad, should be at home for the majority of a child's first year, if not the first three years. I know many people think both parents can work full time and send the kid to daycare and everything will be fine. I have no empirical evidence that this isn't the case. But I do believe that overall it is better for the children and the family as a whole to have a parent whose primary responsibility is the children. Maybe this is an antiquated idea but given the sometimes scary state of our society I think it's something we need to seriously think about. Even after kids go to school full time, it is important for someone to be home with them after school. My mom worked part time when we were younger but was working full time by the time I went to high school. Boy did I get into a lot of trouble when no one was home to watch over me after school.

I made a decision to stay home because I wanted to do what was best for my children. Given Q's autism, it was a good decision. But I deeply resent anyone, especially a woman without children, telling me that I don't really work or that what I do isn't a real job. I worked in a "real job" for three years as a social worker and most days it was way easier than an average day on the job as a stay at home mom. And to say that women in general shouldn't look up to a group of women because they stay at home to take care of their children is unbelievable. It is stupid statements like this that ultimately keep women down. I am a feminist and a stay at home mom. I plan to teach my daughter that she can do anything that she wants, but if she plans to have children, she must realize that it is an incredible responsibility and she must be prepared to make sacrifices. Maybe that means she will take a break from her profession and stay home or maybe her husband will stay home or maybe they'll find a way to split the responsibility. But I will not lie to her and say she can have everything: a career, family, marriage, and her sanity, all at once. When we stop expecting women to do everything and be everything then and only then will women truly be free.

I cast my vote today hoping for a brighter future for my children and my country. Teresa, I forgive you. But please don't ever make me willingly agree with Karen Hughes again.