I love you just the way you are

This morning I hosted a meeting of our neighborhood's "baby network". Once a month people with babies and toddlers get together to let the kids play while they meet new people, swap stories, and check out each other's houses. Ah Suburbia! I had only attended one other meeting due to scheduling conflicts and thought that hosting would mean I would have to attend. Q was at school, which was a huge help. Most of the kids were younger and he is having real problems with other kids coming into his house and playing with his things . So I was happy not to have to deal with that.

The meeting did what it was supposed to do in many ways. I met a number of other moms in the neighborhood and we swapped stories while they checked out my house. But the most amazing thing to me was watching C interact with the other children. Socially C is coming into her own. At almost 20 months she is very interactive and interested in other people. This morning there were two children here slightly older than C and she was thrilled. Of course there was the general sharing issue. "No! That's mine!" Followed by a grabbing and whining if things don't work out right away. But Chloe was actually playing with the other children. They were handing things back and forth. She was cooperating with them, even talking to them. You could tell she liked being around other children.

This is such a revelation to me because Q was never like this. Q actually only likes, as far as I can tell, two or three other kids his age, though we regularly see many more than that. Those favorite kids he asks to see occasionally. Only when he gets around them he is not really interested in playing with them, unless he wants to chase them or wants them to chase him. Beyond that they are better at a distance. Watching C with other kids makes me want to cry because Q feels so uncomfortable with it.

Always when I feel this way I am torn. They are many within the autism community that would tell you they are perfectly happy not interacting with people. Don't try to change them. Accept them for who they are. There is much of that I agree with. I don't want Q to feel like I don't love him or that he would be better if he was more typical or normal. But at the same time I spend so much time and energy in therapy trying to get his speech up to par, and trying to give him the ability to regulate his sensory system, and work on his fine and gross motor skills, and relate socially to other people. Where is the line between we love you no matter what and just want to give you coping skills, and we wish you were more normal and are disappointed because you're not?

I am not disappointed in my son. I don't wish he was someone else. But I admit that when I see C interact I wonder why it has to be so hard for Q and by extension so hard for us all. I feel incredible guilt for saying that but the simple fact is that if Q were more typical, my life would be a lot easier. Financially we would be in a much better place. I wouldn't feel so stressed running from therapy to therapy and then supplementing at home. I could get together with other moms and watch the kids go play (happily) instead of trying to make sure Q didn't get aggressive or trying to make every playdate a social skills lesson. I wouldn't feel so guilty when I told them to go play by themselves or decided to just hang out and be.

I love my incredible son. I love him for who he is and what he does and I am so proud of him. He has come so far and I have high hopes for his future as well. I don't wish he was typical. I just wish life was a little easier, for all of us.