Pieces of me you've never seen

I'm trying to be more interesting. It's not that this is difficult because I am incapable of being interesting. It's difficult because most of what I do all day every day is just not terribly interesting. DH works at a university. He is paid to think deep thoughts and share those deep thoughts with other professors and students. I do a lot of cleaning, laundry, food preparation, errand running, and above all playing/talking to/disciplining two small children. In addition I try to do a lot of home therapy with Q using ideas I get from his speech and occupational therapists.

Let's step back here and say that not for a minute do I think all of these things are unimportant. It is important to teach and raise my children. They need stimulation to grow their minds, love to make them feel good about themselves, limits so they feel safe and start to learn right from wrong. In that way I do an incredibly important job. Q also needs more attention, more exposure to language, more of just about everything that you provide to a typical preschooler. Keeping the house tidy is important too. Having places for everything and everything in its place means my family can find what they need when they need it. Having clean clothes is always a plus. And pretty much everybody likes to eat. Finally, someone needs to do the grocery shopping, send packages, go to the drugstore, etc. And that someone is me. All of this is very important stuff. It needs to be done and it needs to be done well and with love and caring. I am proud of the job I do as a stay at home mom.

But lets also not sugar-coat it and say that it is a fascinating and stimulating day to day job situation. Cleaning is not exciting. Laundry is incredibly boring. (My least favorite chore probably.) Playing with the kids is fun and great for them but it does not offer intellectual stimulation in the same way conversation with another adult can. Reading a book that doesn't have numerous pictures in it is difficult to do while my kids are awake. Reading a book with too many words often seems beyond my ability when they're asleep at night. No one ever tells you that motherhood is such an all consuming job. It is physical and emotional and above all constant. It never ends.

So how does one stay home and stay interesting? I have no good answer to this. If you work outside the home it is a different situation. You at least get to have conversations with the possibility of substance. I do think deep thoughts I just rarely get the chance to share them with people and I almost never get the chance to make anything out of them. Do I regret staying home? Sometimes. But I also don't think that just going to work and putting my kids, especially one with special needs, in a day care situation would solve the problem. Not to mention that I hated my former job and have no interest in going back to that. I have a friend who solves her being interesting/feeding your soul issue by having a great deal of money. Her 4 year old daughter goes to school three days a week and my friend goes to art classes and does pottery in her basement. We don't have that kind of money or any money really. So that's a no go. I could stop trying so hard but I fear my brain and my marriage would suffer.

I think there are pieces of me that I've never seen. And I want to see them but I have no time and no energy to go looking for them. Maybe I am just trying to do too much at one time. Maybe I have to step back and start over, start easier, start smaller. Now that I think about it, that may very well be the answer. Babysteps. Thanks Flylady. I can do this. I will do this. I think I just found a new piece.