It comes so slow, The letting go

Recently I dropped Q off at his old typical preschool, of the pre-autism dx days, to attend a movement and music class usually run by his old teacher. For now Q attends our school district's special education preschool but next fall in addition to attending the special ed school, he will also put in a few mornings at the typical preschool. To get him ready for this I am trying to reintroduce him to his old school. This might sound like way too much school for a four year old but Quinn needs both the special ed stuff and the social stuff a regular preschool can give him so he will be very busy next year.

I was very nervous about taking him to this music class. I guess in a way it felt like a trial for next year. If he went there and totally was unable to deal then we were in trouble. If the teachers somehow didn't see him as succeeding maybe they would be reluctant to let him start in a real class next fall. And I worried about Q - Would he be scared? Would he know what was going on and be able to follow along? Would he be able to use the language he has to make himself understood? Would he get aggressive if he couldn't use his words? I wasn't sure what to expect. It would be my first time leaving him alone in a typical setting since he had been at school last year. Every other activity he attends now is for special needs kids or he's with adults who have known him for a long time.

When I got to the school I was alarmed that I didn't see his old teacher. Then someone told me that she was out today because her son was sick. Instead there was another teacher who I knew by sight but didn't really know Q at all. I wasn't sure what to do. Did I leave him there anyway and just hope for the best? Did I take him home and try again next week? Q didn't seemed fazed unless he saw me moving towards the door. He also wasn't playing with any of the other kids. But they all knew each other from school and he was the new kid. Otherwise he seemed ok. I quickly touched base with the teacher. All that was left was for me to go home and leave him there. I was terrified. But I said goodbye and the teacher took him on her lap while she read a story. He looked concerned for a minute but held it together.

I stood outside the classroom (yes lurking in the hallway) for a few more minutes. When the other kids went to paint, Quinn sounded like he might protest for a second but then I didn't hear any more from him. I left with my heart in my mouth. Would he be okay? At least he was off to a good start.

When you are pregnant this being is inside you kicking and poking and already starting to show his or her separateness. Then your baby is born and the separation truly begins. First they sit up and learn to move on their own. Then they start solid foods and start to wean off your milk. One day you try to help them and they insist on doing it themselves (this isn't Q's situation but certainly is true with C). Then you are sending them off to school on their own. Every step sends them farther from you and you have to learn how to let them go.

In Q's case this is especially hard to do. When you have a kid with special needs there are all these other issues to take into account. Will they expect him to be just like the typical kids? Will anyone understand him? Will he understand them? All the separation stuff you normally go through is amplified. I have come to think that raising Q just requires more of everything than I would give to a typical child. Although to be honest C, though very typical, is also very demanding. But I know I don't worry about her future as much as I constantly worry about Q's.

How does a mom learn to let go? I don't know exactly. You sort of make it up as you go along. It is slow, and scary, and painful. But there is no way to stop it. Your children are always moving away from you from the time they are born. In the end Q did wonderfully in his class, and when his old teacher did see him again she was very impressed with how far he's come since last year. As always I need to learn how to just breathe and let go.