Kaze no Kizu

I am grieving. Last week DH and I watched the last episode of the Japanese Anime series Inuyasha. Before I started watching Inuyasha I would not have considered myself an anime fan. But for some reason I really enjoyed it. Maybe because I identified with the main female character Kagome. She starts out the series as a fish out of water, not quite sure what to do or how to do it. But by then end of the series she is a strong powerful presence, kicking ass along with her friends. Her one constant is that she is drawn to Inuyasha, loving him most of the time while occasionally wanting to beat him up for being such a jerk. Luckily for Kagome, she has the power to tell Inuyasha to SIT. He is half dog after all.

The series has been over for some time in Japan, but we only just got around to watching the end of it now. A fourth movie is out, but only in Japanese still. We have to wait for the fan sub.

It is odd in a way to say goodbye to Inuyasha because I have been watching it since before C was born. DH and I actually watched it off his computer in the hospital the night after C was born. The nurse thought we were nuts watching cartoons. And saying goodbye to the Inuyasha series got me thinking about saying goodbye to other things, other chapters in my life that are now over or situations that have drastically changed.

I have to admit that I have been seeing babies lately and feeling a familiar pull. Yikes, did I just put that down on paper! Okay, yes I did and yes I feel a little tug when I see a newborn baby. Something about them seems so full of possibilities and hope. When you hold your baby in your arms that first time, it is like meeting the future, purified and very cute. (Of course your baby probably isn't that cute. Newborns hardly ever are. But as a parent you always think that they're the cutest thing you ever saw.) I remember those first moments with my babies very clearly and it was magical. Kind of like falling in love. And when you fall in love, it is incredible. And then the rush fades, as it must, and you find new things to love, and new ways to enjoy things. Hopefully you keep that love alive. But it is never as intoxicating as that first sensation of falling in love. And so, you start to feel that pull to experience that sensation again.

DH and I decided a while ago that we weren't going to have any more children (and we took steps to make that a reality). I still think that was a very wise decision. Q's autism makes it hard to figure out how I would have time for another baby or how we would afford one, for that matter (therapy is not cheap). Another baby could also be on the autism spectrum and I am not interested in going that route again. I also have things I would like to do once the children start school full time. Having another child would mean a few more years of intensive child care on my part. I am not interested in that. I have my babies. My family feels complete. And I think a 1:1 ratio is a good thing.

But that means that a certain chapter of my life is complete. I will never again be pregnant. I will never again feel that incredible fluttering in my uterus as my baby moves. I will never nurse a child again. (C weaned at 14 months.) I will never gaze at a newborn, at that newborn possibility, and see a piece of me and yet so much more. It is bittersweet to acknowledge that. But I still think we made the right decision. There are, after all, other ways to see new possibility and feel the rush of falling in love with something new.

So I await the new Inyuasha movie, and look forward to seeing what the characters have been up to, but I should probably start to watch some of the other anime series people have recommended to me. Inyuasha, the series, is over, for now. I just hope that by the time we get to the movie Inuyasha will have finally gotten over Kikyou. Kagome is so much better.