Life's like an hourglass glued to the table

What I learned on retreat:

1. It is heaven to get away for a short time and not to be needed by anyone for anything. You forget how to relax and who to be if you don't get away sometimes. I was so excited about my free time I didn't even know what to do with it.

2. An ipod is just about the coolest thing ever and silence, though sometimes very useful, is highly overrated. So are breathing exercises that mostly just make me feel like I'm about to hyperventilate.

3. I need to eat better. At the retreat center we went to an incredible cook makes all the meals. They are nutritious and delicious and that's saying alot from one of the pickiest eaters on earth. I wish I could cook but I really suck at it and it feels like a giant waste of time. Still I am going to try to cook better and healthier for me and my family.

4. I love to sing. I spent hours Saturday night singing with a bunch of other women with one lone guitar to guide us. I'm wondering if I can get a similar small group to sing more in church.

5. I suck at forgiveness. I spent awhile during my free time probing some old emotional wounds, hoping they had healed over to some extent and I could be free of them. Not so easy as that. Yes, they have healed over for the most part but they're kind of like my c-section scars, just a little tender if you poke at them too hard. I'd love to say I can forgive and move on. After all that is what I love about Christianity. I screw up and say I'm sorry. God forgives me and I get another chance to do it right or screw up again. Only I am not that good. And I get stuck at okay I can forgive, but I can't forget. I can understand, and to some extent, I can even empathize a little, but I can't just sweep it away like it didn't happen. Somehow it seems like if I do that I lose the very valuable lessons that I think could be learned from the situation. So obviously I need to work on this more, though I feel I have made significant progress.

6. I do not have to become a congregational minister. A little backstory here - ten years ago when I went to graduate school I had a choice to just get a masters in social work or to also get a master of divinity and go into the ministry. I choose to just do social work for financial and emotional reasons. I have always gone back and forth over whether I think this was a good decision. But having seen what churches do to their ministers (generally suck the life out of them) I had a hard time thinking that I wanted to actually go to seminary. I am still not sure what I want to do with the rest of my life but I am pretty sure it isn't to be a congregational minister. And by acknowledging that I feel a little better about my future options and decisions.

7. I have no plans next year other than to be a mom and general organizer for my family. This is okay. It is okay that I am not going to school or going back to work in any significant way. It is okay to just keep doing what I am doing for another year and enjoy it. I do not have to justify this to anyone else. Especially the people who constantly ask me what I am going to do with myself once the kids are in school.

8. Real women don't look like 17 year old supermodels and neither should I. It would be nice to be in a little better shape physically but having been pregnant twice, I now have curves that 17 year olds just don't have. I can still be sexy, and I will remember this whenever I see an advertisement that makes me feel like crap about my body.

9. The director of Christian Ed at my church, also our retreat leader, isn't doing the job she is best suited for. I have to remember to breathe more often when dealing with her.

10. I need to stop shutting God out of my life. I need to let God out of the little box I've put Her/Him in. There was this huge ginger cat at the retreat center that ran in and out of our sessions and walked around looking for attention. He sat in the labyrinth I was walking and brushed up against me as I walked by. When I got to the center he sat under my knees as I tried to think deep thoughts. I ended up smiling and petting him while thinking. God was in that cat. God said "You need to lighten up and just enjoy a little more. You need to pay more attention to me. I'll be here hanging out waiting for you. And no you can't get out of here without some cat hair on your pants." Words to live by.