Unforgettable

Today I was in the grocery store with my baby girl waiting at the deli counter for our lunch meat. An elderly man walked up next to us and asked for a 1/2 lb. of Liverwurst. Immediately I thought of my grandfather, my Poppa. I could see him standing at that same counter ordering Liverwurst just like this man was. The man turned to look C, who had just said "Hi!" (she is very into greeting anyone and everyone). He spoke to her and then to me. When he turned away my eyes teared up. My Poppa never get to see his great granddaughter.

December is always bittersweet to me. Christmas is without a doubt my favorite time of year. I love the decorations, the music, presents, family, and traditions. But nine years ago my grandfather went into the hospital at the beginning of December to have triple bypass surgery and he never came out. He died on December 27th after being in a coma for three weeks after a stroke as a result of his surgery. It was Christmas Eve when we got the news that he would never come out of the coma. It took quite a few years before I was able to enjoy what had previously been my favorite night of the year. And nine years later Decembers still make me cry.

Having children makes it both easier and harder to deal with Poppa's death. Poppa died only six months after I was married. It was an incredible gift that he was able to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. Poppa basically was my father. He helped raise me and was the one stable male figure throughout my life. Any faith that I have in the male gender comes mostly from what I knew of Poppa. But he was never able to meet my children. I know he would have loved them so. I often think he is their guardian angel. And I think C looks a lot like him. I hope some part of him lives on in them.

But God do I miss him. I wish he were help to talk to, to laugh with, to ask advice from. And every December it hits me again how much I lost that day nine years ago. So as I looked at that man standing next to me at the counter today, I felt Poppa's loss all over again and I smiled through my teary eyes. The best part of life is that we get to live with, love and connect with such incredible people. The worst is that we have to say goodbye.

Taking care of business

Sorry I've been absent from the blogging world for so long. It has been a hard couple of weeks and when you add that to the holiday craziness that always starts around this time, there is even less time to blog then there usually is. So I say to my incredibly limited readership: don't expect a whole lot of posts between now and Christmas. Just not going to happen.

I am also working on folding my other blog into this one. Tales from the Spectrum was my attempt to blog about dealing with Q's autism. I kind of wanted to keep my musings here separate from that. But I have come to realize that it really is impossible to talk about the issues in my life, especially how I feel about being a mother, as a separate thing from how I deal with Q. Autism has become such a large part of my life, my family's life, that trying to talk about my life without speaking of how Autism influences and impacts me is something of a lie. In addition, I can't realistically keep up two blogs. So sometime soon I hope to blog about how Q got his diagnosis and how that has changed nearly every aspect of my life. In the meantime, feel free to take a look at my couple of posts about life on the Spectrum.