Family frustration

My grandmother is visiting from NY this week. I was up there this weekend for a bridal shower and since my mother apparently thinks I am unable to drive from DC to NY by myself, my grandmother had to accompany me. While she is here she will help me redecorate the church classroom where I teach Sunday School. She also is a decent cook, which given that means I basically don't have to cook for a few nights, always a good thing. And she plays with the kids a little. C loves her. I think my mom is jealous. I am torn between being thankful for Gram's help and being frustrated by her inability to deal with Q.

My grandmother has been a fixture in my life since the day I was born. My mom was young and my dad was worthless so my grandparents were around a lot. There were many times when my mom felt more like my sister. I think this bothered my mom but since she had few options, she made do. I was my grandparents favorite. The apple of their eye. This meant they paid me a ton of attention. It also meant they had definite expectations for me. Those expectations have often been difficult to live up to. Ten years ago my grandfather died and we weren't really sure if Gram would make it. DH and I lived in the other half of her house for two years and then around the corner from her for another two before we moved to DC. She is in fairly good condition for her age and she loves to come help and spend time with the kids. I try to keep in mind that she has a limited time to spend with them and give her opportunities to see them when possible.

My family has always been a girl oriented family. Girls were prized and praised. Boys were hyper and difficult. This is boiling it down but it gets at the attitudes I often see on display. When Q was born he was the first grandchild. Surprisingly my mom took to him right away. He was and remains her favorite. I suspect when C gets bigger that won't be quite the same, but for right now Q and my mom click to some extent. When C was born Gram found her favorite and C loves her right back. But Gram has no idea what to do with Q.

Most of my family is torn when it comes to Q. They know he has special needs and they acknowledge that, until he actually has a problem and then they think he is spoiled and I just am not strict enough with him. I don't think they believe that all his issues would go away if I was stricter, but certainly many of them would. My aunt, a speech pathologist gives me lots of advice, some is good, some I don't like at all. My mom gives advice too but makes allowances to some extent. Gram just doesn't know how to approach him at all.

That approach I take when dealing with Q is a combination of my own parenting ideas, careful watching and copying things I see his therapists do, things I've read, and ideas from other special needs parents. Watching and imitating his therapists has been very helpful. But for some reason, my family hasn't learned that if they watch me and do as I do, it will be far easier for everyone. Gram pretends he is the same as C. Despite my reminders to get his attention a certain way, or give him direct easy to follow directions, she never does what I suggest. Today I had to remind her for the umpteenth time not to threaten them with her leaving. A typical reprimand from her - "If you don't do X then I'm going home!" I've tried to get across that they may not care, and even worse they'll fairly soon come to see that she doesn't leave and the threat will become useless. It's like hitting my head on the wall.

What seems to bother her most is Q's screaming. Pretty much every thing you ask him to do is followed by him screaming no. I ignore it for the most part. Sometimes it gets to me and I lose patience, but mostly I say, "Well, I'm sorry but that's what we're doing," or "No screaming, use your words to tell me what is the problem." Gram in contrast tries to get him to put his hand on his mouth, or shush him. This defeats my purpose of trying to get him to use his words to tell me why doing X is such a problem. He has to get out his frustration somehow and since it's better than him hitting me or his sister, I don't think it's the worst thing in the world.

Gram just doesn't get it, try though I might to explain it to her. And yet I know she loves them both. It can sometimes be very frustrating. I often wished my family lived closer to give them more time with the kids and to give me a break once in awhile. But I also know that such closeness would probably drive me nuts. It's hard enough being a parent, let alone a parent of a special needs kid, without everyone always disregarding your ideas and questioning your parenting.