Start Panicking!!!!

Insanity. Yesterday was pure insanity heaped on top of an already psychotic life. For the past few weeks I have trying to get my life under control. Since I started working I've been letting various things slide, mostly cleaning, but other things too. I just don't have the time or the energy. For the first few months it was okay since the house had been in good shape and some minor clean up kept it functional. Lately though, the breakdown has been profound and I was feeling frustrated.

Add to that my insane thought that I NEED to start seminary ASAP. To a great extent, though I love my job and have learned a lot and will continue to learn about how to run a church, my job sometimes feels like I am just spinning my wheels. I want to feel like I am moving in a direction. So I spent a day last week at the seminary taking the tour and sitting in on a class. Very interesting and made we want to go ASAP even more than before. If all goes well I will be taking two classes there this Spring and will formally start the program in the Fall. Though given my already nutty schedule and feeling like I am overwhelmed I am unsure how this will work.

So all week I have been trying to figure out how to juggle all this or better yet, quit my job before the Fall next year. Though unless I win the lottery (which I don't purchase tickets for anyway)there's no way to pay for childcare without an income, thus I work. So I went to work yesterday already stressed and feeling pulled in a million different directions. I already had way too much to do for the amount of time I was going to be there. But it only got worse.

Let me break here to say that my irrational fear that keeps me up at night or makes me break out in a cold sweat is of a major terror attack. Being that I live and work in the DC area this is not so far fetched. And most of the time I don't think too much about it, but sometimes it is hard to ignore. Yesterday was one of those days. I was in our newly decorated classroom at church trying to sort through toys when I heard the fighter jets overhead. I didn't think too much at the first one but then I heard another one and that irrational part of me started to panic. What if there was something going on? Had there been some attack? I don't hear fighter jets all that often and when you hear them you know it's them. Very loud. So I decided to walk outside and see if I could see them in the air. So stupid.

Outside I did see the jets overhead though of course I couldn't see what the problem was or if it was just a drill or what. I enjoyed the sunshine for a minute, though noticed how cold it was compared to the last few days. Then I went to go inside, only when I pulled on the door, it was locked. LOCKED!!!! Every door in the church was locked. I couldn't get in. All of my stuff was inside the church. I had nothing on me. I had no keys, no cel phone, no money, no coat. It was me and me alone out there. Our church also isn't on a major road. It's kind of buried in a residential area. I tried not to panic. If I could walk to the parsonage where the pastor lives maybe he would be home and could let me in. So 15 minutes later I made it to the parsonage only to see the pastor's car was gone and the house was empty.

Now I was starting to panic. I tried to hold it together. My one advantage was that the kids were in daycare and it was only 1:30pm so I had time to figure out what to do. It's not like DH could even pick up the kids himself since my car, which I didn't have the keys to, has our only set of car seats. I walked another half hour to the pay phone down the street, only to find the calling card number we used to have was now invalid. And of course I had no change to make a call. It was starting to rain and I was freezing. I was about to lose it.

Finally I went into a coffee shop and told my sad story. The coffee shop let me use the phone. I called DH first and started to cry. I had no idea what to do. We thought of a worst comes to worst plan and then decided that I would try to call anyone who might have a key. Luckily the coffee shop had a white pages. Three calls later I got a hold of someone who had a key. She was a half hour away but she was willing to come over. I started the long walk back to church. At least it had stopped raining. Carol came with the key and after a moment of complete panic when the key got stuck in the door, the door was finally open. I thanked her profusely and went in.

It was two hours after I had locked myself out and all my plans for work that afternoon were for nothing. I had to go home to avoid the worst of the traffic and get the kids. I was exhausted and emotionally drained.

On the way home the news said that the jets were scrambled because there was a blip on the radar in restricted airspace. The cause - a flock of geese flying south for the winter. Truly a terrible threat to our national security, or at least a serious threat to my emotional stability. It's time to start panicking.