Lonely Hearts Club

I remember when I was new to the whole stay at home mom thing and Q was an infant I felt very isolated. I had always heard people say how lonely it was to be a stay at home mom. And in the fist six months or so I found that to be very true. But then things changed. I joined two different playgroups and started to get out of the house and suddenly I knew all kinds of people.

It turns out that stay at home moms have figured out all kinds of ways to get out and meet other moms. If you take advantage of these ways you will find yourself a community and plenty of people to connect with. For me it was the best. There were times it was lonely in the house with a small being who could barely talk. But if that happened we just put our shoes on and went to the playground or downtown to the book store. Before long we would run across someone we knew and I wasn't so lonely anymore. Despite staying home I had a ton of contacts even though according to conventional wisdom I was supposed to be very lonely and isolated.

So it comes as somewhat of a shock to me that it is now, when I am actually working, that I feel more lonely and isolated than I ever did when I stayed at home. Now that most moms I know have gone back to work, no one has time to get together anymore. I have one playgroup left and it gets harder and harder to get to that meeting. I barely ever get to the playground or bookstore anymore and even when I do I don't recognize the moms and kids already there.

I started feeling more isolated after Q was diagnosed. Suddenly my agenda - finding and participating in therapy, making doctor appointments, and reading up in special ed law, was very different from that of most moms I knew. At the time Q was in a co-operative preschool which I loved. I knew all the moms and the kids in his class. The moms even went out by themselves from time to time. It was those moms that helped me through figuring out what was wrong with Q and did their best to engage him whenever possible. When I left that school I almost cried. When Q started in special ed preschool and took the bus every day I started to feel the difference. I knew none the kids in his class and even after I learned their names I hardly ever got to see heir parents. But I still had the playgroups and other ways to connect with people.

Before I took this job my plan was to return Q to his co-op preschool this year and start C there. I was excited about returning and ran into some of my old friends there when I was registering the kids. A few months later this position at the church came open and I jumped at it, but it meant we had to find new preschool options that included longer hours. We found a school that I think works for us but since pretty much all the parents work there was none of that same community feeling we had the co-op. Because of my hours we had to drop a playgroup and since we're fairly busy with Q's therapies as extra activities there isn't too much time left for much else.

I guess you're supposed to have friends at work then. Only that doesn't work for me since I work one day with my Pastor, one day all by myself, and then teach the kids on Sunday morning. There's not many contacts to make. And even when I was working my friends at work were never as great as those other moms I used to hang out with.

So many things have changed since I went back to work. I used to think that working part time was the best option since you had the best of both worlds. I've since come to see you actually now just have two worlds to juggle, still being a full time mom while now having to deal with work as well. Any pay you make goes directly to the childcare bills you're racking up and you have less time, less energy, and basically less of everything

How do people do it? I am not sure. How bout it you blogging mommies out there? How do you be a good mom and have a great job at the same time? How do you not feel guilty about barely holding it together all the time? How do you find other people (other moms) when you don't have any extra time as it is? I am deeply aware of all the blessings that I have and I try never to take them for granted, but I am weary and I am lonely. I need to find a better way.

On the way home

Seen on the drive home from NY to Maryland:

"Who would Jesus bomb?" and "Love your enemies: it confuses them"

LOOOOOVE IT!!!

I am thankful for...

Lilian at Mama(e) in Translation has "tagged" me with a meme that is perfect for the season. So I better get it written before Thanksgiving itself totally takes over my life.

10 Things I'm Thankful For: (these are not in a particular order)

1. My husband, my soul mate and my best friend. Though marriage hasn't always been an easy road and we've had to find our way back to each other more times than I'd like to admit, he's still the only man I'd even consider spending the rest of my life with.
2. My kids, who each drive me nuts in their own way. Being a mom has been an incredible experience. Being mom to the wonder kids who make me laugh and rage all in thirty seconds flat is something I wouldn't trade for anything.
3. My faith. I have always had an intensely personal realtionship with God. Jesus is my beloved. Call it a crutch if you must but there is no way I would have gotten through my life without it. And I wouldn't want it any other way.
4. My calling. God has hounded me for more years than I can count to finally and totally devote my working life to the church. Finally I am giving in and going to seminary. I am thankful God cared enough to call me to something and oh so grateful that I have some talent to make it work.
5. All the wonderful, incredible things that I have - a house, possesions, food, a computer. So many have so little and I can often get wrapped up in thinking that I need so much more than I already have. Really, I have all I need.
6. My insane family who I love but exhaust me. I am thankful that they love me. No really, I am. I just need to remember that to survive the next few days.
7. Autism. This may sound odd to many people but so much of what I have learned about myself and how to better look at the world has been from dealing with Q's autism. It has been eye opening to say the least. And while I would never wish autism on anyone, it can have many gifts, if you open your eyes to them.
8. Animals. I love animals, especially pets but really all animals. Being able to share my life with two cats and a dog has made it so much richer (though a whole lot hairer).
9. Good friends. Though I wish I had more of them and I wish more of them lived near me, it is good to have friends who love me. That includes my blogging friends I have met online.
10. The ability to sing. I sing whenever I can because I love it. It makes me feel alive. I love music and am thankful for being able to listen to it and sometimes create it.

10 Things I'm Hopeful For

1. I hope that DH and I can continue to build our relationship and get stronger every day.
2. I hope that as my kids get older it will be easier to take care of them and still stay sane.
3. I hope that going to seminary and working at the same time doesn't kill me or that we can find some other way to pay for childcare so that I can stop working.
4. I hope that we somehow get enough money to at least stop adding to our debt if not starting to pay it off somehow.
5. I hope that my mom will find her purpose in life, embrace it and stop being so miserable all the time.
6. I hope that Q will continue to figure out ways to be successful while still being who he is.
7. I hope that C will get over the "terrible twos" soon. Ok NOW!!!
8. I hope that I can build better friendships with people I love but don't see or talk to nearly as much as I'd like.
9. I hope that this insane world stops its downward spiral and that we figure out ways to settle issues without killing people.
10. I hope that people everywhere become aware of how blessed we are and start to share what we have with others as we are able.

As we enter into "The Holidays" I am really starting to get excited. I love this time of year and am looking forward to enjoying it as much as possible.

What are you thankful for? Mrs. Coulter I'm talking to you. Tag, you're it.

A quiz that got it right!!

Sorry to do another quiz so soon but I was playing around on the quizilla site and found this. I must admit that Ewan is on my list of hottest men ever born.


You Love Ewan McGregor!!!


Which Famous Person could be your future lover?
brought to you by Quizilla

Scenes from a wedding

I'm in NY at my mom's house having gone to my aunt's wedding on Saturday and staying through Thanksgiving. The kids were ringbearer and flower girl. There is so much I could write about when I visit my family and I suspect you'll see that in the days to come. But for now I just wanted to focus on the wedding. A little background might help. My mom's sister was getting married for the second time. Her husband of 20+ years died eight years ago from a very sudden heart attack. Five years ago she met a great guy on a ski trip and they started dating. Last summer my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer. During her treatment her then boyfriend, now husband, stuck by her and helped her recover. They decided to seize the moment and marry.

One other note: DH was at a conference he couldn't get out of so I was fending for myself with the kids.

Scenes from a wedding:

Cool Scenes:
My kids in their wedding clothes. Q wore a tux and C had a beautiful white dress she swore was Cinderella's. Q saw her and said "C is a princess!!" Very cute.
I fit into my dress, with a little help from a slimming slip.
Q taking pictures with my aunt. He was hiding under the train of her wedding dress.
On the way to the church in the limo the driver suddenly stopped short sending many women in satin dresses to slide down the car into a pile with Q on the bottom. He loved it.
My kids actually walked down the aisle without screaming!!!! Q walked faster than C but still made it through. C was very slow and deliberate, not smiling until the end. She took her job very seriously.
The runner down the church aisle which my mother painted with leaves, grapes, and flowers that said "Today I marry my best friend".
After the applause at the end of the service Q shouted "Do it again! Do it again!"
The beautiful pumpkins that my brother (a very talented chef) had carved with scenes of a bride and groom.
Walking into the reception with my kids who wouldn't go by themselves, but the photographer said he got a nice shot of us.
The joy on Q's face when he realized that there was a mirror on the ceiling above the dance floor.
Watching my sister and future sister-in-law and my cousin playing with my kids.
C watching everyone dancing and trying to copy them. She was so adorable. Q dancing with everyone and anyone. Man did he love that ceiling and the lights.
My aunt who used to be a drummer back in college pick up a pair of drumsticks and keep the beat for 3 or 4 songs. She was great!!!
My new uncle dancing with my grandmother (her new son-in-law) to the song "Getting to Know You". His mother died three weeks before the wedding and I'm sure that dance was hard for him.
Q falling asleep on a female cousin the last 15 minutes of the reception and C trying valiently to stay awake no matter what.

Not so cool scences:
My hair after we all were at the hair salon for hours. Not good at all. I rewashed it and did it myself later.
My mom running around getting psycho about us all being ready at the right time.
Q spilling orange juice on himself in the limo two minutes after we got in.
C saying very loudly "I have to go poopy!!" in the middle of the service just so she could get out of the church.
Trying to sing while watching the kids and hoping they behaved. I did okay but it was very stressful.
Trying to take pictures while Q and C were running around people's feet which eventually resulted in Q getting hit on the head with a camera.
C screaming for juice which I thought the reception hall would have but in fact did not.
Trying to keep C from going head long down a long flight of stairs during the cocktail hour.
Watching all the couples dance while I spent time missing DH, especially during the anniversary dance.
Some very scary people on the dance floor who had obvisouly had way too much to drink.
My aunt's only child, my cousin B, who was just a teen when his Dad died, getting way too drunk and seeming absolutely miserable.

All in all it went way better than I expected, though I was exhausted from keeping an eye on the kids by myself and am still recovering to some extent. My aunt and her new husband are off to Tahiti to sail on a bare bones sailboat cruise. Marrying one's best friend is very nice indeed.

Lady of the Horses

Who knew I was a horsewoman? I do like horses but haven't ridden since I was a kid. I think I would rather be an elf but I am way too short for that. Still Rohirrim are very cool.


Rohirrim


To which race of Middle Earth do you belong?
brought to you by Quizilla

Fragile

This morning I followed a link from ABDmom's site to a blog called Et al. I read the post for November 13th and started to cry. I kept reading earlier entries and was touched by the depth of her love for her husband and the incredible amount of pain she has been through and will continue to go through. Her writing is so beautiful and eloquent and I could do nothing but read on and sob.

When you find your soul mate, the person who you feel destined to spend the rest of your life with, you think that person will always be there. They're supposed to be aren't they? Why else would God put you together just to tear you apart?

I am terrified of death, not mine so much, although the thought doesn't appeal to me, but I am terrified of the people I love dying. I comfort myself by thinking we are young and healthy. But as Dorcasina's story shows that really isn't a guarantee of anything. Her beloved was just 35. The reality is that we are just living on borrowed time. We are all fragile beings. As quickly as the leaves fall from the trees, our time here on earth could be over.

Too often I have lived in fear and failed to make the decisions that I wanted to because I was afraid of other people's opinions or I was sure that what I wanted would never work. But I am learning, slowly, that this life doesn't wait for people who cower in corners. Every minute we have is a gift for us to use or waste as we will.

I am so deeply sorry for Dorcasina's loss and I cannot even begin to understand her pain. If something happened to DH...my life would stop. May we all appreciate what we have and live our life as if this day was our last. And please send whatever love you can out to anyone who is grieving today.

Autistic and proud

If you are at all interested in autism you should read this post at Autistic Conjecture of the Day. Can you be proud of being autistic? Do autistics only need to be cured or should they be more accepted? Read and decide for yourself.

Learning to cook

No, not me. I'm not learning to cook. C is. Or at least she's trying to learn from me. (She doesn't know yet that I can't cook.) Tonight as I was making dinner (a yummy pasta dish with a lot of garlic) C was watching and "helping". Her new thing lately is to sit up on the countertop as I cook. She wants to see what I'm doing and have me explain it. "What's that Mommy? What you doing Mommy? Is that an egg?(No it was garlic but it did kind of look like an egg.) I want to see!!!"

I can't remember ever watching my mom cook when I was little. Well to be honest my mom didn't cook when I was little. We lived with my grandparents or ate with my grandparents. And I sometimes watched my grandmother but not nearly enough. I never really learned to cook that way. I wish I would have.

So when C begs to sit up on that counter I let her pull over the chair and climb up so I can show her what little I know. And maybe she'll learn something and maybe not, but in the meantime it is a wonderful mother-daughter moment. Of course she was using my spare spatula like a hammer on the counter but you can't have everything.

My Three Wishes

As I was digging around in the Blogosphere yesterday I followed a link on MysteryMommy's blog to her husband's blog, Spock's Log. It is a non-updating blog and I didn't read too much of the content but one thing caught my eye. In his profile he said "I am married to MysteryMommy. Our son is Muffin Man. I have one wish left." That's a powerful statement and it's a pretty great husband and father who thinks that way. That statement has stayed with me all thorough last night and this morning.

Our family is trying a new tradition/discipline - keeping a sabbath. It has been something I have long contemplated, but always seemed so out of reach. A day to rest, to be thankful for all that I have, to be totally unproductive and be loved for it anyway. Then a week or so ago I read the book Sabbath Keeping by Lynne M. Baab and decided that I needed to give it a try. I know I don't have time in my schedule for it, which is precisely why I actually need to do it.

Since I work on Sunday we have decided to make our sabbath on Saturday. On my sabbath I plan to do minimal housework or yardwork (only what is needed to feed the family and not trip over various toys), not do any church work (though reading something spiritual is okay even if it's useful for work), and minimize buying things and being a consumer in general. I will instead spend time with my family (and not think of all the other things I should be doing), be gentle and loving with myself and not internally berate myself for all I haven't gotten done, and I will focus on being thankful for all that I have and stay in a sense of wonder about the incredible world around me.

It is this thankful piece that kept me thinking about Mr. Spock's comment. It's not often that I think that I am married to DH, have two wonderful kids, and am finding a way to live out my calling so I have my three wishes. When I think of three wishes I think of money, exotic trips, a personal chef for life, a body that stays a healthy weight no matter what I eat, you know things like that. And yet all those things, if I had them, would pretty much be useless if I didn't have DH, my kids, and my calling. Those things alone would never make me happy. So for today I am going to try to remember that I already have my three wishes and be thankful for them.

I still would love someone to cook for me though, so I think we'll eat out tonight.

Parent Conferences

Q has had off from the county schools yesterday and today for parent conferences. Bottom line - Q is doing very well in school. His amazing teacher still argues that he's not so much autistic as obsessive compulsive. (Yes, tell me how that really helps me.) but since she is great with the kids, I don't argue too much with her. I'm just glad he's doing well. His biggest problem is that he gets bored since he's way over most kids academically. And when he's bored he gets into trouble. They want me to start looking at our neighborhood elementary school to see their kindergarten classes. He's way too smart for a special needs K but I have major doubts about his ability to sit through the incredibly boring and sedentary curriculum that is the result of No Child Left Behind. So basically there is no good place for him. They assure me he'll go into mainstream with a major IEP that will make accommodations for things like a movement break and such. And they have good things to say about our elementary school and its interest in helping special needs kids. So I guess that's good.

EEK! My baby is getting ready for K! I just wish there was a school placement that didn't cost $25,000 a year that worked for him. Oh the problems with being brilliant and socially inept with some serious compulsions, rigidity, and other emotional issues. Why can't this be easier?!!

FYI

Just thought you should know that I spent a big part of my afternoon updating this website while I should be have been cleaning my house or doing various other work at home. My kids have had it with me. My dog needs a walk. My laundry is piling up. But I wanted to make sure this site was perfect. Man do I have a priority problem. On the up side I was able to figure out how to program in html enough to make some changes here. No big accomplishment but I have to have something to say to explain to DH why the house still looks like a bomb went off.

Start Panicking!!!!

Insanity. Yesterday was pure insanity heaped on top of an already psychotic life. For the past few weeks I have trying to get my life under control. Since I started working I've been letting various things slide, mostly cleaning, but other things too. I just don't have the time or the energy. For the first few months it was okay since the house had been in good shape and some minor clean up kept it functional. Lately though, the breakdown has been profound and I was feeling frustrated.

Add to that my insane thought that I NEED to start seminary ASAP. To a great extent, though I love my job and have learned a lot and will continue to learn about how to run a church, my job sometimes feels like I am just spinning my wheels. I want to feel like I am moving in a direction. So I spent a day last week at the seminary taking the tour and sitting in on a class. Very interesting and made we want to go ASAP even more than before. If all goes well I will be taking two classes there this Spring and will formally start the program in the Fall. Though given my already nutty schedule and feeling like I am overwhelmed I am unsure how this will work.

So all week I have been trying to figure out how to juggle all this or better yet, quit my job before the Fall next year. Though unless I win the lottery (which I don't purchase tickets for anyway)there's no way to pay for childcare without an income, thus I work. So I went to work yesterday already stressed and feeling pulled in a million different directions. I already had way too much to do for the amount of time I was going to be there. But it only got worse.

Let me break here to say that my irrational fear that keeps me up at night or makes me break out in a cold sweat is of a major terror attack. Being that I live and work in the DC area this is not so far fetched. And most of the time I don't think too much about it, but sometimes it is hard to ignore. Yesterday was one of those days. I was in our newly decorated classroom at church trying to sort through toys when I heard the fighter jets overhead. I didn't think too much at the first one but then I heard another one and that irrational part of me started to panic. What if there was something going on? Had there been some attack? I don't hear fighter jets all that often and when you hear them you know it's them. Very loud. So I decided to walk outside and see if I could see them in the air. So stupid.

Outside I did see the jets overhead though of course I couldn't see what the problem was or if it was just a drill or what. I enjoyed the sunshine for a minute, though noticed how cold it was compared to the last few days. Then I went to go inside, only when I pulled on the door, it was locked. LOCKED!!!! Every door in the church was locked. I couldn't get in. All of my stuff was inside the church. I had nothing on me. I had no keys, no cel phone, no money, no coat. It was me and me alone out there. Our church also isn't on a major road. It's kind of buried in a residential area. I tried not to panic. If I could walk to the parsonage where the pastor lives maybe he would be home and could let me in. So 15 minutes later I made it to the parsonage only to see the pastor's car was gone and the house was empty.

Now I was starting to panic. I tried to hold it together. My one advantage was that the kids were in daycare and it was only 1:30pm so I had time to figure out what to do. It's not like DH could even pick up the kids himself since my car, which I didn't have the keys to, has our only set of car seats. I walked another half hour to the pay phone down the street, only to find the calling card number we used to have was now invalid. And of course I had no change to make a call. It was starting to rain and I was freezing. I was about to lose it.

Finally I went into a coffee shop and told my sad story. The coffee shop let me use the phone. I called DH first and started to cry. I had no idea what to do. We thought of a worst comes to worst plan and then decided that I would try to call anyone who might have a key. Luckily the coffee shop had a white pages. Three calls later I got a hold of someone who had a key. She was a half hour away but she was willing to come over. I started the long walk back to church. At least it had stopped raining. Carol came with the key and after a moment of complete panic when the key got stuck in the door, the door was finally open. I thanked her profusely and went in.

It was two hours after I had locked myself out and all my plans for work that afternoon were for nothing. I had to go home to avoid the worst of the traffic and get the kids. I was exhausted and emotionally drained.

On the way home the news said that the jets were scrambled because there was a blip on the radar in restricted airspace. The cause - a flock of geese flying south for the winter. Truly a terrible threat to our national security, or at least a serious threat to my emotional stability. It's time to start panicking.